Adventures in Reality

My favorite sitcom of all-time is Roseanne… and this scene cracks me up at how true-to-life it is. I actually experienced a couple of very similar conversations in the hours after Delaney passed away… one of which was with an Aunt, who was driving to Key West at the time, so she had a really hard time hearing me. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, but the similarities are spot-on-hilarious.

After dealing with a few of those dreaded laughter not included conversations, I had to get out of the house. When anyone I love passes away, I seem to feel instantly claustrophobic. Over the years, there have been a few deaths that have sent me to the beach on Lake Michigan. My love affair with that body of water helps me center myself again, just sitting in the sand, hearing the waves and breathing. Of course, the death of my 9-month old niece in the winter… with 2 little ones of my own to consider, wasn’t going to send us to the beach this time.

So the hubs & I grabbed the kiddos and just started driving.

After a little time in the car, we ended up on the northeast side of town and decided to grab a little happy-hour grub at a restaurant that shall remain nameless to protect the innocent Momma involved. Oh yes… reality is coming. Because, when it rains it pours… and little did we know that — spoiler alert — Sedona was sick. When we pulled her out of her carseat, she had that look, told us her tummy hurt, and I questioned even going into the restaurant. Still numb from the day’s events so far, we decided to go in anyway. We ordered, got our cheap happy hour eats & $2 cosmos and Sedona asked to go to the bathroom with the hubs. Natalie & I stayed at the booth, watched a little football and ate.

Little did I know: this was the calm before a big ugly storm.

The hubs came back with Sedona, and he wanted a chance to eat, so he handed Sedona to me… and it was like Clean-up on Aisle 9 all over again. As the hubs handed our 3yo to me, as if in slow-motion, she proceeded to projectile vomit all over me, the floor, the table, the chair… and all the way to the bathroom, we were thankfully seated close to.

Oh yeah. Reality is SUPER, thanks for asking!

I cleaned up as best as I could, got back to the table, where the hubs & Natalie were waiting for me, food packaged up, bill paid. We made it home in one piece, gave Sedona a zofran, and she was ok.


The next day, we tried to figure out our plan for going to Detroit for Delaney’s arrangements. I pulled my hair out trying to find an affordable hotel (damn you Auto Show for bumping up the prices of hotels… geesh!) The girls lounged around the house, and then… the walls were caving in on me again; I needed to get the hell out of my house! Sedona was done throwing up, but it was coming out the other end, so we knew any time outside of the house had to be quick, or within knowing distance of a bathroom. I wanted to pick up something special for my sister & her family, so we stopped at a local gift shop we love.

I can’t mention which local store because I don’t believe I’m welcome there anymore either.


As I’m checking out, Natalie starts complaining about her stomach. And then… she vomited all over the carpeted floor, right in front of someone who I believe was the owner of the store. The look of death from her eyes practically burned a hole into my head it was so piercing. What the hell was I supposed to do though? I had two sick kids now, I was just getting over mono myself… and I was completely numb from the loss of my niece. I almost forced the owner to read the sympathy card & ceramic angel while sobbing all over the pile of vomit, now soaking into the carpeted floor. Instead, I apologized as I signed my bill and ran out of there so fast, flames were shooting out of my heels.

My family headed home, and we managed to get both girls in bed by 7p. Yes, you read that correctly, both girls were in bed by 7p!! They were siiiiiiick. Unfortunately, we had no choice but to head to Detroit in the morning, there was no way I was going to miss being there for my sister & with my extended family & friends. So I had to pack while watching the Michigan/Michigan State basketball game… that the Spartans lost by ONE point. Could this day get any worse?

Yup. It could.

9p: we hear Sedona crying.

The hubs goes up to check on her, and I immediately hear KEL! I NEED YOU UP HERE!” I go up to find Sedona, her jammies, bed, all of it, covered in diarrhea. I snapped into fix-it mode, sent the hubs to the bathroom with Sedona to strip her down & hose her off while I stripped her bed and remade it.

I was like a flippin’ machine.

The hubs came back with a freshly clean, but still very tired, sick & cranky 3yo. He couldn’t believe I remade the bed so fast. I couldn’t believe he got Sedona taken care of on his own. Guess we make a good team! We put a fresh pair of jammies on Sedona… and a pull-up (which I’m still crazy-amazed I found earlier that day) and Sedona went right back to sleep.

The hubs & I went back downstairs, threw the bedding into the wash with a sigh of relief.

That didn’t last long.

We hadn’t even kicked up the footrests in our respective recliners when we heard the insanely loud screams of our 7yo. Damn, that girl has some pipes. Pretty sure we both sighed fuuuuuck at the same time. And yes, it was warranted. Natalie’s zofran must’ve worn off because she vomited all over herself, jammies, bed, all of it. Once again, the hubs took Natalie to hose her off while I stripped & remade the bed. Got Natalie back into a fresh pair of jammies and put her back to bed.

We went downstairs, back to our family room, and I looked out the window to see 3 cop-cars 2 houses down… and 2 cops walking around with flashlights in our neighbor’s yard. What… the… fuck?!?! At this point, I was fully expecting to wake up from this nightmare. This had to be a bad dream, right?

Instead, I burst into laughter. Because… what the hell else could we possibly do? I was out of tears!

My neighbor informed us that there was a break-in, and they caught the douche-bags teens, thanks to their footprints in the snow. YAY! Good news!!

The hubs & I decided not to test the fates any longer, we were in bed at 10p instead of staying up until our usual 11-11:30p bedtime — we didn’t know if the girls would get sick again, but we just wanted to prepare for anything, since that was the way the week was going.

We were right, one of the girls was going to get sick again…


Around midnight, I woke up with a terrible stomach cramp. I sat up in bed, and knew… just KNEW it was my turn. I stumbled to the bathroom so loudly, the hubs woke out of his deep-snore-induced sleep and worried about me because I was so out of it… he almost called 911 because my eyes kept rolling back into my head, I could barely get my head over the toilet; it was crazy how fast it came on! As I bent down to throw up in the toilet, I realized it was coming out the other end. No… wait… it was coming out both ends, at the same time. Sat on the toilet while I puked in the sink. Thank goodness for zofran, because even though my stomach was still rotten for the next few days, I never puked again.

The next day, we drove east for my niece’s visitation. It was a scary trip… we weren’t sure if any of us would make it without needing to stop, but we brought a bucket, just in case… and we all made it. The hubs got hit the day of Delaney’s funeral. As soon as he said his stomach was bothering him, I gave him a zofran and he suffered, but never vomited. Phew.

The sickness was insane, but it was very quick — it came on quick, and left pretty quick too. Not that we needed that extra dose of shitastic reality, but hey, we were already having the worst week of our life, what could make it worse, really? May as well get it all out in one shot, right? We were so numb that week, in a way, it was almost a blessing that it didn’t happen a week later, because I don’t know if I would’ve been able to mentally handle it. On top of all this, my cousin Toni’s mother passed away after a battle with cancer the day after Delaney’s funeral. Terrible week. Just awful.

But hey, now I can say that I’ve gotten the worst week of my life done & over with, so the rest of my life will be nothing short of awesome. Bring it!

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