I hate guilt. Being raised in a Catholic family, guilt was a part of every day life, practically up there with breathing. Do things this way, don’t ever do them that way. What will people think?! All of that bullshit really fucks with your head after awhile. Like, deeply. Don’t even get me started on the guilt trips my Catholic Mother can still play on me in her own little passive aggressive way. I’ve learned to see right through those. It took me years to learn to ignore daily guilt about every big & little thing, and I still have moments, even days, where the guilt strikes me and I can’t shake it.
First of all — those people that are supposedly judging you really aren’t. And the people who truly love you, love you for you not because you did or didn’t do something right or wrong. I know this. I try to live in the moment, appreciating all that is given to me. What I don’t have I don’t need it now… I need this moment. It’s fleeting.
Despite fighting the good fight on the war against guilt, I still have my days where I’m so overwhelmed with my to-do list. I’ve felt guilty about spending too much time on the computer since we’ve been stuck inside because of the snow. I’ve felt guilty about not blogging enough. I’ve felt guilty about blogging too much. I’ve felt guilty about not playing with my kids enough. I’ve felt guilty about not having a clean enough house for my kids to play in. I’ve felt guilty about spending too much money… especially when I don’t bring home a paycheck.
I could go on, but why?
Why do we do this to ourselves? The guilt we beat ourselves up over doesn’t really solve anything, does it? Once I can trudge through days like this, I’m back to my typically happy and occasionally cynical self, and I can get over the stupid bullshit like not having a clean enough house or blogging enough, do you really care if I blog every day? I doubt it. And other things I feel guilty about — especially ones that I think affect others, likely don’t. Everyone has their own bullshit to deal with, and I’ve learned not to take things personally, because ya know what? Most people have their own problems that have nothing to do with you. Bad friends don’t mean to be bad friends, they just have so much of their own inner-turmoil to work out, they just don’t know how to deal with that and be a good friend.
Sometimes, just focusing on what you need to do to get through that day makes the biggest difference in the world. Worrying won’t solve problems. Guilt won’t solve problems. And sometimes, Momma really does need a break, whether that involves beer, yoga, what have you, it is OK to put yourself first! You will be a better parent if you do.