Many people going through any level of recovery are familiar with the need to take one day at a time. Once you have kids, although you are not necessarily in recovery, this is practically your mantra. Most plans are made in pencil, because with kids, just about anything can happen. One day they are happy as could be, the next, throwing tantrums 24/7. One day healthy, next day, fever of 104. One day they love riding in the car, the next, you can’t force them in their carseat with super-glue. All of these issues force Momma to cancel plans for multiple reasons, one of which is because she shouldn’t drink & drive.
With my niece on hospice home-care right now, we are practically living our lives hour-by-hour, especially since we live 2 hours away from my sister’s family. We woke up Saturday morning wondering if we would actually make it to my oldest’s dance recital at 1p. And being a planner, this drives me a little batty… because not only do I like to be prepared and enjoy looking forward to what’s to come… but I also have a daughter who thrives on routine. I do have to say though, since she’s turned 6, she has become a little more flexible. Something we are very grateful for these days.
Over the last year or so, I’ve learned to embrace the moment. It didn’t happen overnight. It didn’t even happen immediately after I was diagnosed with mono a year ago. I was pissed for days after that diagnosis! However, I’m grateful that did kick me in gear to start to living my life this way: soaking in every moment, instead of constantly worrying about the future and getting bummed out about the past. I was able to accept being off my feet for nearly 3 weeks without much frustration at the end of March/beginning of April. I let go and quickly learned to actually cherish my time in bed, embracing every snuggle I’d share with my daughters, the hubs… even my cat. When I got the green light to walk again, I embraced the joy of walking, just in time to be able to be there for my sister, BIL & niece after she was rushed to the hospital 3 weeks ago. It hurt like hell to walk on my healing foot, but my heart ached more.
Even though what we’re going through right now is devastatingly tragic & awful, somehow, somewhere, the lessons I’ve learned over the last year are actually helping me through this. Embracing the fact that even though my niece may have been diagnosed with massive brain damage… she’s not gone yet. She is still with us on earth. This is a new day and a new hour. And if this hour I feel like balling my eyes out, because this situation SUCKS, so be it. If this is the hour I feel like expressing some of my feelings through writing… well, here ya go. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy talking about the past — you just read a month full of writing, essentially about songs that reminded me of memories from the past! I’m still making plans for the future, but I don’t lose my mind if they fall through.
I look forward to holding my sweet little tenacious D again this week. It was so difficult not being able to scoop her up the 3 days I saw her in the NICU. Now that she’s free of many machines, holding her is something therapeutic for her, and her loved ones. Behold the power of touch! Today… I’m embracing my own kids. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from what’s happening with my niece, it’s that I’m a lucky Momma to have given birth to 2 healthy, beautiful girls… sure they may drive me crazy, but that’s practically in their job-description. They are kids. They won’t be kids forever. So excuse me while I shut my laptop so I can read to and play with my children.