It’s 10p on a Thursday night.
I’m alone in my family room and I know that I will not complete this post tonight. My attention span does not allow me to work as efficiently as I can during the day, my brain just isn’t at it’s sharpest at this hour… but alas, any time I’ve had free in order to compose great works of art during the day has been sucked up by… life.
I’ve been on my own all week while the hubs works at Logitech headquarters in Switzerland.
He’s kind of a “big deal” around there this week.
I am not a big fan of being on my own. I grew up as the oldest of four children, the house was always full of energy. Someone crying, whining, laughing, screaming, stomping, coughing, talking, singing… I scoff at my upbringing, but it did make me who I am today.
Unfortunately, sometimes, it makes me a psychotic, clingy mess.
I have my strong, independent and occasionally stubborn ways, but I thrive on my interactions with my friends & family. I enjoy a good virtual correspondence, but there’s something special about a hug, or just the simple echo of a familiar voice in my kitchen. Lately, the only echos I’ve been hearing in my house have been “Momma, I need you!” Let’s be honest here, these words are starting to feel like nails on a chalkboard to this temporary single Momma.
With the hubs being 6 hours ahead, connecting with him has been a huge challenge, and one of the many difficult aspects of this whole situation. Just the fact that I can’t really call or vent to him via IM about the random bullshit going on kinda sucks. He’s my husband, but first & foremost, he’s best friend; I can talk to him about anything and he’ll usually validate my feelings or find some way to cheer me up.
The hubs is a huge help to me with the kids as well. He grew up with a father who wasn’t hands on. At.All. 6 kids, and my FIL never changed a single diaper, I don’t know if he could physically do a load of laundry. There’s much more to him than that — but I’m sure you follow. When we got engaged, we both made promises to prevent the other from turning into his father or my mother. We got engaged almost 15 years ago, and it’s a vow we still take seriously: basically keeping each other in check. One of the ways the hubs keeps me in check is by kicking me out of the house when I need a break. Sometimes, he sees my need for it before I do. This week, that has not been an option. His absence led my mother to visit for about 36 hrs to “help” me mid-week, but she just had a hysterectomy a few weeks back and could only relieve me for a few hours in the middle of the day — but the rest of her visit, I felt like I had a 3rd child to tend to. Although I truly enjoyed my 3-hour “break”, the remaining 30+ left me feeling anxious with the occasional negative, judgmental and backhanded remarks echoing in my head.
Do certain people set you off? According to my former therapist, my mother probably has no idea she’s being so negative & judgmental. So I just get to deal with it, do my best to ignore it, find a positive space, breathe and move on.
I’ve been getting better at dealing with my issues. Simply focusing on positive aspects of every day life has been huge. Making time for myself is also vital. But right now, my “every day” isn’t typical, so instead of embracing the moment, I’m left holding on for dear life, just making sure everything’s in it’s right place, or at least good enough. Me time? What’s that?
It’s been an emotional week, but here I am, in the home stretch, as the hubs will fly home to this side of the pond tomorrow evening. I feel exhausted, have a pretty short fuse… but overall: stronger. I definitely accomplished something I never thought I could. I’ve been adjusting, and this week has helped me grow. Sure, I’ve fought through long nights filled with anxiety. I can blame the cat for that a few nights ago, don’t ya love it when cats run like a bat outta hell into your room puffed up like a ball for no reason?! My 3.5yo for another long night a few nights before that… and my own fragile little mind for the rest of the week. Stupid head.
I definitely gained a deeper level of respect for single parents this week — and I survived, and in some ways — thrived. Sedona may have decided to give up naptime this week, but after the first night of waking up multiple times, I got her to sleep through the night for the rest of the week. The girls were never late to school or dance once this week. The hubs has yet to accomplish that. Hey, it’s the little things.